Have you ever felt you can\u2019t go out wearing a dress until your husband comes and tells you, \u201cYou look great\u201d? Or do you need to ask your wife which restaurant you\u2019ll order food from every single time? Well, chances are you are codependent. You may feel stifled in such relationships because of how much you care about your partner\u2019s validation and concerns. So, is that a bad thing? Well, more often than not, such a connection can\u2019t be termed a healthy relationship. So, how to heal from codependency? Before we answer that question, let\u2019s look at how this word originated.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Interestingly, the word codependency was first used in the context of alcoholics and victims of substance abuse and their relationships with their friends, partners, and families. The idea was, in such relationships, one person becomes the enabler of the abuse. Now, the word denotes unsatisfying relationships where one partner keeps no stone unturned to appease the other, often at the expense of their own individuality. Read on, as we explore codependency and its signs, find out how it affects you, throw light on the stages of codependency recovery, and offer some tips for healing codependency, with the help of our expert relationship counselor Ruchi Ruuh<\/a> (Postgraduate Diploma in Counseling Psychology).<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So, what is codependency, really? When does it affect your relationship negatively? Is it only seen in dysfunctional relationships? Ruchi says, \u201cCodependency is a relationship dynamic in which partners rely on each other for emotional validation and a sense of identity. In a lot of cases, it can be a healing dynamic, but it can become unhealthy where there are extreme levels of emotional attachment.\u201d<\/p>\n Related Reading: <\/strong>Codependent Relationship Quiz<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n We\u2019ll look at some basic features of codependency: <\/p>\n However, codependency is a term that many use in a positive sense. Women often take pride in being codependent and not fiercely independent, indicating that they are more balanced in their lives and value their partners\u2019 opinions. Certainly, codependency is also not a hated word like feminism is in a man\u2019s world. But too much codependency can be tricky. So, codependency may not necessarily be negative, but it can turn toxic and abusive if it is extreme. Though not much research has been conducted on this concept, one of the few studies<\/a> on it has proved that its core components include \u201ca lack of clear sense of self\u201d and emotional imbalance, among other factors.<\/p>\n Codependency has clear signs, and to address it in your relationship, you need to know if you are codependent in an extreme way. So, if you or your partner show any of the following signs, you are definitely in a codependent relationship:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u25cf Excessive focus on your partner<\/strong>: If you\u2019re constantly bothered about your partner\u2019s needs and desires over your own and find yourself agreeing to every choice they make (to avoid arguments), you may be in a codependent bond Related Reading: <\/strong>How To Stop Being Codependent In A Relationship \u2013 Expert Explains<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u25cf You\u2019re terrified of your partner leaving<\/strong>: One clear sign of codependency is a constant fear of abandonment. Ruchi adds, \u201cIn such cases, people are either constantly checking on their partners or are anxious when their partners are out with their friends.\u201d You also tend to accept disrespect for fear of being left alone <\/p>\n So, now that you know what codependency entails, you may ask, \u201cCan you heal codependency while in a relationship?\u201d More importantly, how do you heal from codependency after a breakup? What are some overcoming codependency exercises that you can put to use? Well, in this section, we will give you some practical tips on how to cure codependency:<\/p>\n Though the stages of codependency recovery may not always be linear, the most significant way to start recovering is being self-aware. Ruchi adds, \u201cRecognizing you\u2019re codependent and acknowledging the behaviors and patterns that are detrimental to your relationship is important. You must locate the signs and find out how codependency is affecting your relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n One of the best tips for healing codependency is learning to set boundaries. Most people in such relationships are unable to establish healthy boundaries. Ruchi feels, \u201cUnderstanding why you aren\u2019t able to establish this boundary and why it\u2019s difficult to say \u201cNo\u201d is crucial to saving the relationship. Likewise, we need to realize that boundaries aren\u2019t bad. More often than not, any boundary is a self-protective measure.\u201d Here are some ideas on setting healthy boundaries<\/a>:<\/p>\n \u25cf Tell your partner they need to ask you before calling their friends to a house party Related Reading:<\/strong> 9 Signs Of Unhealthy Compromise In A Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019re still wondering how to cure codependency, you can try self-love. A codependent person will overlook their true identity in relationships because the focus is on seeking their partner\u2019s validation<\/a>. So, it\u2019s your personal responsibility to make yourself a priority. Ruchi feels, \u201cOne should shift the focus to working hard for oneself, building self-compassion, finding a sense of self through activities that one likes.\u201d You have to switch your focus to your own happiness and not feel guilty about it. Likewise, while prioritizing your emotional health, don\u2019t forget about your physical health. You can do this by:<\/p>\n \u25cf Pampering yourself with a spa day <\/p>\n Friends and family can be of great help in a person\u2019s recovery process. They offer a safe space to express your concerns. Ruchi agrees, \u201cIf you have supportive friends and family, who understand that it\u2019s a tough emotional journey for you, have a conversation with them. This will help you realize that there are parts of you that need to heal.\u201d Likewise, fun and social connections will also help you focus on other things apart from your relationship.<\/p>\n Related Reading: <\/strong>The 7 Fundamentals Of Support In A Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n One of the best ways to overcome codependency is to ditch perfection. Nothing in the world is perfect. And relationships aren\u2019t either. So, the unrealistic expectations<\/a> and standards in our relationships should be done away with. Ruchi feels, \u201cAiming at so much perfection isn\u2019t necessary. One should work on the relationship issues to build a healthy bond instead.\u201d You can do this by:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u25cf Not worrying about how clean the house is, as long as you make an effort to clean it If you aren\u2019t able to fix codependency in your relationship<\/a> or if you\u2019re facing an uncomfortable or unsafe situation because of it, it\u2019s always better to get help from a counselor who specializes in relationship issues. Ruchi adds, \u201cA counselor can offer the guidance and tools required to address codependency. They can also provide a safe space for you to understand the negative patterns of codependency and help you navigate better.\u201d If you need help with professional counseling, skilled and licensed therapists on\u00a0Bonobology\u2019s panel<\/a>\u00a0are here for you.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n The other name of codependency is \u2018relationship addiction\u2019. But can you be addicted to codependency? If yes, what leads to this addiction and how can it be addressed? Ruchi explains, \u201cCodependent patterns develop in childhood. They stem from childhood trauma or peculiar dynamics in dysfunctional families, such as neglect, abuse, over-protection of children, and other unhealthy behaviors. Children in such relationships with their parents feel only their parents can save them and protect them from the world. What entails is an insecure attachment with parents. So, their parents\u2019 approval is the only motivating factor in their lives.<\/p>\n \u201cParents of such children may have been too anxious or avoidant. So, their children couldn\u2019t create a secure bond with them,\u201d she adds. These children, as adults later, may display repetitive patterns in their relationships, such as:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u25cf The need for someone to fix their relationships or rescue them Related Reading: <\/strong>11 Expert-Backed Tips For Breaking Codependency In Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n All such emotional highs and lows in their relationships as adults may create an addiction that they need to heal from. They can\u2019t function in healthy relationships. What is needed is the urge to heal and focus on codependency recovery. Ruchi suggests that one should \u201cwork with a good therapist, have a good support system, and let go of addictive beliefs and repeated patterns\u201d to de-addict themselves of codependent behavior patterns. Group therapy and family therapy also help in such cases. She adds, \u201cHealing from codependency can be a challenging process but may offer people a chance to discover a new side to their relationships. It may eventually be great for their self-esteem and confidence.\u201d<\/p>\n So, now that you know what codependency entails, what its signs are, and how to deal with codependency in a relationship, we hope you will no longer let codependency ruin your bond with your partner. We hope you now have an answer to the question, \u201cCan you heal codependency while in a relationship?\u201d Remember, a relationship isn\u2019t about being entangled irreversibly in a stifling mesh, it is about rediscovering yourself with your partner. Likewise, recovering from codependency is possible. So, instead of looking for external validation in your relationship, focus on your own feelings. Let the love and connection build up from within and show you the path ahead.<\/p>\n What Is A Codependent Marriage? Signs, Causes, And Ways To Fix<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n 15 Indisputable Signs Of A Codependent Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\nOn Codependency And Its Role In A Relationship<\/h2>\n
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\u25cf In such cases, boundaries are blurred, making it difficult for people to maintain their well-being and independence
\u25cf Individuals lose a sense of self and they start prioritizing their partner\u2019s needs over their own
\u25cf There is a lack of personal space<\/a>, and partners end up becoming too clingy
\u25cf When codependency is normalized, it can lead to destructive codependent behaviors too. \u201cFor instance, people can blackmail their partners or make them feel inadequate,\u201d Ruchi adds.<\/p>\nHow To Know If You Are Codependent<\/h2>\n
\u25cf Loss of identity<\/strong>: Ruchi says, \u201cWhen you become so entwined with your partner that your entire identity is based on what your partner identifies as or interested in, you are codependent.\u201d An example of this could be an artist who quits painting and takes to golf to please their golfer spouse
\u25cf Low self-esteem<\/a><\/strong>: In codependency, your self-worth depends on your partner\u2019s validation. One critical comment from them can leave you feeling worthless. Ruchi adds, \u201cIn such cases, you\u2019re waiting for them to motivate you to take up a hobby or excel at your work. You don\u2019t see your own accomplishments.\u201d
\u25cf Lack of boundaries<\/strong>: Not being able to say \u201cNo\u201d or take up personal space is a sign of codependency. Ruchi adds, \u201cAn example of this is when your husband spends a lot of money and then asks you for more. So, even if you don\u2019t have money to spare or are unable to help them, you don\u2019t say \u201cNo\u201d just to avoid conflict.\u201d<\/p>\n\n
\u25cf You neglect yourself<\/strong>: Your own needs, family, and ambition take a backseat, in such cases. Ruchi explains, \u201cYou may not want to make any plans with your family, because you\u2019re scared of losing focus on your partner. You\u2019re scared you might drift apart.\u201d
\u25cf You dismiss or minimize clear signs of relationship problems<\/a><\/strong>: In codependency, you tend to ignore your partner\u2019s flaws and become self-critical instead. Ruchi says, \u201cEven if your partner is verbally abusive or takes advantage of you, you dismiss these patterns.\u201d
\u25cf Lack of autonomy<\/strong>: Since in codependency, your self-worth is low, you are incapable of taking decisions without consulting your partner. Ruchi feels, \u201cWhen it comes to big life decisions, considering your partner\u2019s opinions is normal. But the problem begins when you start consulting them for every minor issue, such as whether you should go out with your friends.\u201d<\/p>\nHow To Heal From Codependency \u2013 6 Practical Tips<\/h2>\n
1. Raise self-awareness<\/h3>\n
2. Set boundaries<\/h3>\n
\u25cf Make it clear that you aren\u2019t available for household activities during work hours, even if you work from home
\u25cf Tell them they can eat whatever they want but shouldn\u2019t stop you from enjoying a meal of your choice<\/p>\n\n
3. Indulge in self-care<\/h3>\n
\u25cf Eating nutritious foods, getting enough sleep, and taking care of your well-being
\u25cf Taking up a hobby that you had quit earlier, such as music or sports
\u25cf Doing things that bring you joy and you don\u2019t find time for anymore, such as reading or writing poetry
\u25cf Restarting your career if you quit it in the past because of the relationship<\/p>\n4. Build a network of supportive friends<\/h3>\n
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5. Ditch unrealistic expectations<\/h3>\n
\u25cf Focusing more on the quality time you spend with your partner than whether you appear perfect to them<\/p>\n![\"Dysfunctional](\"https:\/\/www.bonobology.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/dysfunctional-relationship-1.jpg)
6. Seek professional help<\/h3>\n
What If You Are Addicted To Codependency<\/h2>\n
\u25cf Abandonment issues<\/a>, or the fear that if they don\u2019t act in a certain way, they will be left
\u25cf Obsessive thoughts, such as worrying that whatever they do might affect their partners<\/p>\n\n
Key Pointers<\/h3>\n
<\/p>\n
concerned about pleasing the other partner, often at the expense of their own interests
and individuality<\/li>\n
self-worth, self-neglect, lack of autonomy, and other codependent tendencies<\/li>\n
boundaries, focusing on self-care, building a network of trustworthy and supporting
friends, and ditching unrealistic expectations<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n\n
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![\"how](\"https:\/\/www.bonobology.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/codependency-3.jpg)
![\"how](\"https:\/\/www.bonobology.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/heal-from-codependency.jpg)