Last Updated on September 16, 2023 by Priyanka R Singh<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Being consumed by the needs of a partner and feeling compelled to fix the partner or the relationship is among the tell-tale indicators of a codependent marriage. However, people tend to dismiss signs of codependency with statements like:\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Whether it is rooted in denial or lack of understanding, unresolved codependency is neither healthy nor sustainable. It can even lead to serious relationship problems or divorce, research<\/a> indicates. So how can we spot and fix relationship codependency?\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In this article, psychotherapist Gopa Khan<\/a> (Masters in Counseling Psychology, M.Ed), who specializes in marriage and family counseling, outlines the anatomy of a codependent relationship, the difference between healthy love vs. codependency, and codependent behavior examples. She also provides tips on breaking codependency in marriage as well as fixing a codependent marriage.<\/p>\n The term \u201ccodependent\u201d was initially used to describe the relationship patterns of people in love with or sharing a life with addicts or alcoholics. In fact, these patterns were first recognized by the wives of Alcoholics Anonymous<\/a> (AA) members, according to research<\/a>. While that paradigm still stands, psychologists now agree that codependency can be at the core of other dysfunctional relationships as well.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So, what does it mean to be codependent on someone, particularly one\u2019s spouse? Codependence in relationships can be described as a state where:<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> 15 Indisputable Signs Of A Codependent Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n So, what does codependency look like in a marriage? \u201cIf you think of marriage as a Venn diagram, then two circles that overlap in the middle represent a balanced relationship. The kind where two people in love retain a healthy sense of identity, self-worth, and partnership,\u201d Gopa says, adding, \u201cIn a codependent marriage, the circles overlap to such an extent that they appear to be merged.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here, the partners\u2019 sense of identity and self-worth get welded together. Since the relationship is all-give and all-take, there is also a notable imbalance in met needs. Unlike in healthy interdependent relationships<\/a>, the emotional and physical needs of one partner completely dominate the relationship dynamics. This happens gradually in stages, with the codependent partner:<\/p>\n For more expert-backed insights, please subscribe to our\u00a0YouTube Channel<\/a>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Codependency is a learned behavior whose roots can usually be traced to unmet physical and emotional needs in childhood as well as early life experiences. It primarily stems from:<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> Attachment Styles Psychology: How You Were Raised Affects Relationships<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n People often don\u2019t realize they are slipping into a codependent pattern or struggle to come to terms with the \u201cmy partner is codependent\u201d realization. That\u2019s because it is easy to confuse the signs of codependency with \u2018real\u2019 or \u2018unconditional\u2019 love<\/a> \u2013 at least initially. Much of this is thanks to popular culture, which has heavily romanticized the idea of \u201call-consuming\u201d passion and \u201closing yourself\u201d in love.\u00a0<\/p>\n Social constructs also make spotting and breaking codependency in marriage difficult. \u201cIt is hard to identify codependency in societies where wives and mothers are supposed to \u2018take care\u2019 of their families and suppress their personalities for the \u2018good\u2019 of the family,\u201d Gopa explains,\u00a0 \u201cDue to social conditioning, a codependent wife may feel she needs to stay in her marriage, even in the face of abuse, as she considers it synonymous with her identity.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n So, how do you know if your marriage is codependent? Or, if you have a codependent husband or wife? Here are 11 unmistakable signs:<\/p>\n This is one of the stark signs of a codependent marriage: both spouses view each other as a single entity and act as one. Eventually, their lives become so intertwined that they don\u2019t know how to exist or operate as individuals.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n How to tell if your relationship dynamics point to codependency? Ask yourself:\u00a0<\/p>\n If you can\u2019t quite fathom who you are outside your marriage, consider it a red flag.<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> 5 Reasons Why Space In A Relationship Is Not An Ominous Sign<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n \u201cHow do I know if my partner is codependent?\u201d If that\u2019s what you\u2019re asking, then look at how you both share responsibilities. In a codependent relationship, the burden of responsibilities falls squarely on one partner, who ends up:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Know that these are indicators of a relationship troubled by codependency. You may tell yourself that either you or they are \u201cdoing it all\u201d out of love. However, all this is doing is enabling patterns and behaviors that do not make a healthy relationship or a healthy marriage.<\/p>\n Codependency guilt is irrational. It\u2019s also one-way. A codependent husband or wife will feel guilty or unnecessarily bad about things they haven\u2019t done and can\u2019t actually control or change. Or even things that are clearly their partner\u2019s fault. So, when their partner gets a DUI, they somehow feel responsible for it. Or, they obsess over how they could have done something to prevent it.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If their partner forgets to pick up the children from school, instead of holding them responsible, they beat themselves up for not reminding them. Their partners often use this tendency to escape all blame. Or, guilt them into getting what they want.<\/p>\n When one spouse feels responsible for everything that happens to the other or lets their partner make them feel that way, it points to a toxic codependent marriage.<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> Is Guilt-Tripping In Relationships A Form Of Abuse?<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n What does codependency look like? Sometimes, it looks like this:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n In such relationships, one spouse compulsively shields the other from the consequences of their actions. At times, this comes at the cost of comprising their conscience or the law. And it stems from a fear of confronting, upsetting, disappointing, or losing their partner.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you are in a similar situation, remember, your partner is an adult who should know that their actions and decisions have consequences. \u201cTo break the pattern, you\u2019ll have to allow your partner to clean up their messes, instead of trying to solve every problem for them,\u201d advises Gopa.<\/p>\n While forgiveness in relationships<\/a> is important, it is taken to an extreme in a codependent dynamic. It also becomes the sole prerogative of just one partner. Codependents readily forgive every wrong, every mistake, every miss on their partner\u2019s part without holding them accountable.<\/p>\n According to Gopa, this stems from a fear of abandonment and being alone. So, they keep absolving their partner of any wrongdoing in the hope that they will see the error of their ways or change. But unless they\u2019re held accountable for their actions, why would they?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We all evolve with time and no one can claim to be the same person they were 5, 10, or 20 years ago. But, in a toxic codependent marriage, this change isn\u2019t for the better. Let\u2019s understand how.\u00a0<\/p>\n If you analyze the anatomy of a codependent relationship, you will find one thing conspicuously missing \u2013 the word no. Codependents trade in self-esteem for validation. They feel compelled to say yes to everything their partner wants. They also spend so much time dancing to their partner\u2019s moods and being emotionally codependent that they lose touch with their emotions.<\/p>\n Eventually, they wind up with low self-esteem. And their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and identity get buried so deep that they can\u2019t reach them \u2013 even if they want to. Not saying no, letting someone dictate how you feel and act, apologizing for things you aren\u2019t responsible for, ignoring self-care \u2013 these are all signs you are giving your power away and precursors to giving up parts of yourself. And no relationship is worth that.<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> Power Dynamics In Relationships \u2013 How To Keep It Healthy<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n From afar, codependent couples may seem like they\u2019re madly in love. But a closer look will show that one of them is doing most of the loving and caring. That partner usually serves as a caretaker\/giver and the other takes on the role of the victim\/taker in the relationship. What sets such couples apart is that:\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n It is also possible to have 2 codependents in a relationship. Though rare, such relationships are equally unsustainable since both partners:<\/p>\n Imagine this scenario. Your partner finally decides to give up alcohol or substance abuse and gets into rehab. Or, they begin working toward becoming a responsible partner who can share your burdens and offer you support. But instead of feeling hopeful and relieved by this turn of events, you feel lost and deprived.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Caring for and rescuing a partner often becomes the central focus of a codependent person\u2019s life. They feel lost if they can\u2019t do that. So, it\u2019s not uncommon for them to slip into depression or lash out when their partner decides to start making efforts to be better. They may even deliberately create chaos so that they can don the rescuer hat again. It\u2019s also not unusual for an enabler to move on from the marriage to find someone else to \u2018save\u2019.<\/p>\n Sharon (name changed) was 30 and dealing with mounting parental concerns over her unmarried status when she met Jared, who was already married. He convinced her to marry him. Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, Jared turned verbally and physically abusive toward her. Though Sharon recognized the abuse, she remained in denial. She felt responsible for her situation and felt she needed to \u2018accept\u2019 it out of fear of being alone.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is one of the classic codependency traits in relationships, where the person feels they cannot have an alternative existence than the one they are in,\u201d says Gopa, \u201cInstances of young people attempting suicide when their relationship breaks because they feel they cannot move ahead in life without it are also codependent behavior examples. In such situations, counseling becomes crucial to recognize the patterns of healthy and unhealthy relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n For codependents, the fear of being alone is often debilitating. This can even lead them to settle for an unhealthy or toxic relationship<\/a> and give their all to fix it and make it work. However, no relationship can be saved without first fixing patterns that are inherently flawed.<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> Will I Be Alone Forever? How It Feels And Ways To Get Over It<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Are codependents controlling? They can be. Codependency and control issues are often interlinked. The giver is driven to control everything \u2013 a learned behavior from growing up in dysfunctional or chaotic environments, which left them feeling out of control.<\/p>\n They are also overly anxious, even when things are going well. And, they are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop because that\u2019s the pattern they\u2019re accustomed to. The taker in a codependent relationship, meanwhile, is willing to give up all control initially but comes to resent it later.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n You know something is amiss in your relationship. The constant anxiety, anger, or resentment are too pervasive to be ignored. But you just cannot bring yourself to leave and make a fresh start. Perhaps because:<\/p>\n \u201cThis is the toughest aspect of codependent behavior in marriage as it may be true that someone may not be able to cope without their spouse. But, their spouse\u2019s leaving may actually help the dysfunctional person to hit \u2018rock bottom\u2019 and seek the help they need. Nevertheless, codependent relationships can exact a huge toll on mental health, yours as well as that of your loved ones,\u201d says Gopa. That\u2019s why understanding codependency, especially the signs of a codependent marriage, and finding ways to fix it is crucial.\u00a0<\/p>\n Is codependency healthy in a marriage? Not really. Unless love flows both ways and equally in a relationship, it cannot be called wholesome. Nor can it be described as real love<\/a>. So, can codependent love be fixed? And can a marriage survive or overcome codependency? Yes, provided the signs and stages of codependency are spotted early and professional help or marriage advice is sought, according to this study<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you\u2019re trying to understand how to avoid being codependent or how to become less dependent on your partner, Gopa has some advice on ditching unhealthy dependence, healing a codependent marriage, and forming healthy relationships:<\/p>\n \u201cFocusing on developing your own identity self-worth, self-image, and the concept of self is important to stop being codependent and put an end to codependent marriage problems,\u201d says Gopa. To do so, you must:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cThe pattern of caretaking seen in codependents often gets established in childhood. Using the same skills to take care of yourself can help reduce stressors and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem,\u201d says Gopa. To avoid being codependent and loving someone to exhaustion, try to:\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n According to Gopa, for healing a codependent unhappy marriage, it is vital to:<\/p>\n \u201cTill they allow blurring of boundaries, codependents will continue to feel helpless and out of control in their relationships,\u201d says Gopa. To fix codependency and protect yourself, you will have to learn to be assertive and set boundaries<\/a> around your time, personal space, energy, finances, and the behaviors you will and will not tolerate.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Ending codependency in a marriage doesn\u2019t mean ending the marriage, but shunning codependent patterns and replacing them with healthy ones. For fixing a codependent marriage, you may need to:\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Overcoming codependency<\/a> is not easy and the road to recovery isn\u2019t linear, swift, or easy. To resolve codependent marriage problems, you will need to develop coping strategies, break old patterns, and reframe negative thinking. That may require therapy. If you\u2019re looking for help, there are experienced counselors on Bonobology\u2019s panel<\/a> who would be happy to assist you. Joining a support group, like Al-Anon<\/a> or Alcoholics Anonymous, could also help you get an outside perspective and cope with codependency.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n According to Gopa, the process of healing a codependent marriage can only begin when you start rediscovering yourself and focusing on your own self and your needs. \u201cInitially, learning how to combat codependency and successfully break old patterns may be difficult. That\u2019s where seeking therapy can help you stay on track and remain mindful of the pitfalls ahead in making a codependent unhappy marriage work and forging a healthy relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n This article was updated in September 2023.<\/em><\/p>\n It is a marriage marked by extreme preoccupation and dependence \u2013 social, emotional, as well as physical \u2013 on one\u2019s spouse.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n While codependency was first identified in the context of addiction, it is common in other dysfunctional relationships.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n
What Is A Codependent Marriage?<\/h2>\n
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What does a codependent marriage look like?<\/h3>\n
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What causes codependency?<\/h3>\n
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11 Warning Signs Of A Codependent Marriage<\/h2>\n
1. There\u2019s no difference between \u2018we\u2019 and \u2018me\u2019 in a codependent relationship<\/h3>\n
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2. The responsibilities are skewed if your relationship is codependent<\/h3>\n
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3. The guilt and blame are one-way<\/h3>\n
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4. A codependent spouse covers up their partner\u2019s poor behaviors<\/h3>\n
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5. One partner forgives and forgives<\/h3>\n
6. Self-change in a codependent marriage isn\u2019t for the better\u00a0<\/h3>\n
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7. There is a constant caretaker and perpetual victim<\/h3>\n
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8. The giver feels lost without the \u2018rescuer\u2019 identity<\/h3>\n
9. They fear being alone<\/h3>\n
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10. There are clear control issues and anxiety in a codependent relationship<\/h3>\n
11. Codependent spouses struggle to break away\u00a0<\/h3>\n
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How To Fix Codependent Behaviors In Marriage \u2013 6 Expert-Backed Tips<\/h2>\n
1.<\/strong> Reclaim your identity<\/h3>\n
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2.<\/strong> Focus on self-care<\/h3>\n
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3.<\/strong> Reframe what you\u2019re responsible for and what you aren\u2019t<\/h3>\n
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4.<\/strong> Set boundaries<\/h3>\n
5.<\/strong> Break unhealthy patterns<\/h3>\n
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6.<\/strong> Get help<\/h3>\n
Key Pointers<\/h3>\n
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FAQs<\/h2>\n
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