\u201cBut what\u2019s the harm in taking some advice?\u201d my sister asks when I bring up the subject of setting boundaries with in-laws. \u201cIf I didn\u2019t ask, is it really advice? Or overstepping?\u201d I shoot back. She answers with a knowing grin.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n They say that you don\u2019t just marry a person. For better or worse, your spouse\u2019s family becomes a part of your life as soon as you say \u2018I do\u2019. While you gain a whole new family and a support system with it, dealing with in-laws in marriage can be tricky.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Whether they stem from a clash of personalities or outlooks, unspoken hurts, or dysfunction, in-law problems can breed much stress and resentment. Studies<\/a> have shown that a difficult relationship with in-laws can take a toll on your marriage, too. So how can we get along better with in-laws and navigate the ups and downs of in-law relationships? Well, one good way is to set healthy boundaries.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We are not going to tell you that a relationship with in-laws is easy. Or that your equation with them can be exactly like the one you enjoy with your biological family. They didn\u2019t have the benefit of watching you grow up. So, they simply can\u2019t replace the sentimental foundation of your childhood family. Added to that, your in-laws may have completely different values, beliefs, habits, and customs. And there may be plenty of stuff on which you don\u2019t see eye-to-eye, leading you to butt heads with your new extended family.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Boundaries can help you manage any friction with in-laws and forge a healthy relationship with them. And they can help control how much impact in-law problems have on you and your marital life. Just like marital boundaries, setting boundaries with in-laws is essential for your well-being and for protecting your own desires, needs, and beliefs. Here are some tips on how to draw healthy boundaries with your in-laws:<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> 8 Tips For Dealing With In-Laws<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Perhaps your mother-in-law comes over too much and tries to micromanage everything you do. Or she\u2019s downright manipulative and scheming<\/a>. Perhaps your father-in-law goes overboard with gifts and money for your two-year-old. Or you\u2019re tired of dealing with family drama with your interfering sister-in-law and trying to get along with her.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Maybe you just got engaged and are wondering how to deal with a controlling mother-in-law during wedding planning. Or you\u2019re newly married, and you are dealing with a full-blown invasion of your personal space and a near-constant stream of advice on everything.\u00a0<\/p>\n If you don\u2019t want to spend much of your life brimming with resentment or hiding in the bathroom to avoid your in-laws, you will need to set some ground rules. For that, you will have to decide what you are comfortable with and what bothers you. And then? Talk to your partner about setting healthy boundaries.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Interactions with in-laws are a common source of complaint for couples. That\u2019s why a candid conversation with your partner about setting boundaries with in-laws is important. Finding common ground will help you both deal with any in-law issues in a better way so you can build a healthy relationship and get along better with them. When talking about healthy boundaries, consider discussing:<\/p>\n Being on the same page with your spouse will help you put up a united front if a prickly situation arises, even if you both don\u2019t agree on all aspects of the situation.<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> <\/a>How To Talk To Your Husband When The Other Woman Is His Mother<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n You can\u2019t just draw up a list of boundaries for the mother-in-law or father-in-law and expect the boundaries to be respected immediately. So how to talk to your mother-in-law about boundaries? How to say no to the over-gifting father-in-law or shut down constant criticism<\/a> from him without coming across as disrespectful? How to go about setting boundaries with ex in-laws? Or discuss setting boundaries with a brother-in-law who is difficult to be around due to his language? Or deal with a sister-in-law overstepping boundaries every chance she gets?\u00a0<\/p>\n Setting healthy boundaries with your current or former extended family, and enforcing them, will require tactful handling:<\/p>\n Setting boundaries for interfering in-laws is important because issues with in-laws are inexhaustible fodder for stories and tropes, both on the internet and off it. Some of the common issues are:<\/p>\n You may not be able to avoid conflict altogether and head off every single problem with your partner\u2019s family. But there are ways for setting boundaries with parents after marriage. Dealing with in-laws in marriage is possible without losing your peace of mind or throwing down the gauntlet, or perhaps the spatula.\u00a0Remember, not setting healthy boundaries early on doesn\u2019t mean that you cannot start defining or redefining the limits later to protect your mental health and well-being. But how? We\u2019ve prepared some tips and examples of boundaries with in-laws to help you with that:<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> My Toxic In-Laws Won\u2019t Let Go Even After We Have Shifted Cities<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n From picnics and family dinners to holidays and special days, you can count on spending a lot of time with your extended family. But what if your interactions aren\u2019t all that pleasant? What if your spouse\u2019s family is overstepping boundaries all the time? Or meeting the in-laws is becoming a constant source of conflict or irritation?\u00a0<\/p>\n Let\u2019s say your sister-in-law or MIL keeps pushing your buttons at family dinners with unsolicited and nosey advice. Then try limiting meet-ups, or change how you spend time together:\u00a0<\/p>\n This is one way to deal with an MIL or sister-in-law overstepping boundaries without letting it get to you. If setting boundaries with toxic in-laws is what you are working on, know that sometimes going low-contact or distancing yourself from in-laws<\/a> may become necessary. Remember, needing boundaries or healthy distance for your well-being is nothing to feel guilty about.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Preconceived notions and biases don\u2019t make for healthy relationships. Contrary to tropes, not all in-laws are pure evil or plain toxic. Assigning them negative intentions or motives all the time will not do you or your relationship with them any good. At the same time, expecting your mother-in-law to be affectionate and supportive but refraining from any and all advice is hardly realistic. So before deciding your in-laws are a certain way or declaring \u201cMy husband\u2019s family has no boundaries\u201d or \u201cI can\u2019t stand my in-laws\u201d, it is wise to check whether your own perceptions or expectations are coloring your judgment.<\/p>\n Say, your MIL has offered you some advice on managing finances. Instead of feeling she is hinting at your financial incompetence and figuring out how to set boundaries with mother-in-law, step back and re-evaluate the situation. Perhaps she really did mean well. Taking the broader view also means picking your battles and learning to let some things go for the sake of an otherwise good relationship.<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> 10 Thoughts That Come To Your Mind When Your Mother-In-Law Visits You<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n Try not to make the exercise in setting boundaries with in-laws a contest for:\u00a0<\/p>\n This will only put you in unhealthy competition with your <\/strong>husband\u2019s or partner\u2019s family <\/strong>\u2014 and that can never end well. It could also leave your spouse or partner feeling torn and conflicted.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n All parents have a soft spot for their kids. If your wife is close to her parents and wants to spend some quality time with them or do something nice for them, it\u2019s only natural for her to feel that way. And just like a husband\u2019s love is different from a father\u2019s love<\/a>, the romantic love that your spouse has for you and the love he harbors for his parents are entirely different. When drawing up a list of boundaries for mother-in-law or anyone else, try to keep any jealousy or insecurity over your spouse\u2019s close bond with their parents at bay.\u00a0<\/p>\n For more expert-backed insights, please subscribe to our\u00a0YouTube Channel<\/a>.<\/p>\n You\u2019re back from yet another family vacation thinking, \u201cI hate that my in-laws don\u2019t treat me like family.\u201d Or \u201cI just can\u2019t understand why my mother-in-law expects us to pay for everything and never picks up the tab.\u201d Or perhaps your brother-in-law has been crashing at your place lately and not bothering to pick up after himself.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As triggering as some in-law situations can be, if you lash out at your significant other every time you\u2019re nursing a grouse or complaint, you will have another fight on your hands. Here\u2019s what you could try instead:\u00a0<\/p>\n Related Reading: <\/strong>12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Maybe it was decided months ago that your entire extended family will gather at your place for Thanksgiving. But now, your MIL is trying to change the plan at the last minute. Perhaps your former in-laws are upset you did not invite them to your son\u2019s school play. Or your ex\u2019s mom drops by unannounced several times a week wanting to take the grandkids out for ice cream. Even though she knows that means they\u2019ll miss hockey practice or piano lessons. In such situations, it\u2019s best to stick to your plans and schedules. Don\u2019t let others overrule or guilt-trip you<\/a> into doing what they want or something you aren\u2019t comfortable with.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n This is important if you are working on setting boundaries with ex in-laws\/soon-to-be ex in-laws. And especially when you\u2019re setting boundaries with toxic in-laws. State your limits gently, but clearly. Stand your ground so they know you will hold your own if anyone tries to walk all over your plans or pressure you into changing them.\u00a0<\/p>\n Here are two in-law situations. What would you do?<\/p>\n There are no simple answers here. After all, there is no rulebook on the laws of relationships. Striking a balance or keeping cool in some situations can be mighty hard. But it won\u2019t be impossible if you understand where your in-laws are coming from. So take the time to get to know them. Listen to what they say with an open mind. This could make it easier to find common ground, even if you hold different values. It could also help you build a good relationship and get along with them. And if it doesn\u2019t? You can at least say you tried.<\/p>\n Related Reading: <\/strong>How To Have A Good Relationship With Mother-in-Law<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n The arrival of a new baby can shift family dynamics<\/a>. And setting boundaries with in-laws after a baby can be hard. From one set of grandparents feeling they aren\u2019t getting enough time with the new baby to endless baby advice \u2013 you will have new situations to tackle and limits to revisit. When thinking of setting boundaries with in-laws and grandchildren, understand that your partner\u2019s parents are going to dote on the kids and spoil them with undivided attention. Spending quality time and having a healthy relationship with grandparents will only do the kids good.<\/p>\n As much as you would like to keep the kids under a tight schedule, try not to sweat it if:\u00a0<\/p>\n So how to go about setting boundaries for interfering in-laws? How to handle in-laws that don\u2019t like you? The ones who keep commenting on your kids\u2019 noses, their grades, your hair, or your cooking every chance they get? To the point that it makes you wonder, \u201cDo I have to have a relationship with my in-laws at all?\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n In such situations, it\u2019s best to try not to take any comments or advice to heart. For the sake of your well-being, try to keep an impersonal spin on things said and done. That being said, forcing yourself to get along with someone can never work. If distancing yourself from in-laws helps reduce animosity, then so be it. Know that you\u2019re not selfish if you don\u2019t want to live with your in-laws<\/a>. It\u2019s okay to say, \u201cI don\u2019t want to see my in-laws every week.\u201d Or \u201cI don\u2019t want to see my in-laws anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Hopefully, our tips and examples of boundaries with in-laws have helped you understand how to get a better handle on in-law issues. Remember, healthy boundaries make healthy relationships. When you take a call on how to set boundaries with mother-in-law and father-in-law, do consult your spouse. Remember that your in-laws are a part of your life. And building resentment over parents will only hurt relationships in the long run. So, when it comes to family vs. spouse, it is always advisable to put your spouse first, find common ground, get on the same page with them, and put up a united front.<\/p>\n This article was updated in August 2023.<\/em><\/p>\n The 7 Ways Mothers-In-Law Ruin Marriages \u2013 With Tips On How To Save Yours<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n 15 Signs Your Husband Resents His In-Laws Completely<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n 10 Ways To Deal With Disrespectful In-laws<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/div>\nHow To Set Boundaries With In-laws<\/h2>\n
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1. Make a note of your triggers<\/h3>\n
2. Get your partner on board<\/h3>\n
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3. Employ some tact<\/h3>\n
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8 No-Fail Tips For Setting Boundaries With Your In-Laws<\/h2>\n
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1. Limit or change how you spend time together<\/h3>\n
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your in-laws<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>\n2. Take the broader view of your in-laws<\/h3>\n
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3. Ditch the competitiveness\u00a0<\/h3>\n
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4. Don\u2019t direct your anger at your spouse in a bid to set boundaries with in-laws<\/h3>\n
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5. Stick to your plans<\/h3>\n
6. Get to know your in-laws better<\/h3>\n
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7. Don\u2019t try to control their interactions with the grandchildren<\/h3>\n
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8. When setting boundaries with family, remember, it\u2019s not about you<\/h3>\n
Key Pointers<\/h3>\n
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