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Aren\u2019t relationships all about compromises? Isn\u2019t that what we have always known? When you find yourself in a heated conversation with your SO, torn between standing your ground or letting go of what you want, what should you actually do? Do you find a middle ground or stand up for yourself? An awareness of non-negotiables in relationships can help you out of this quandary and find a balance between fighting and letting go.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After all, that\u2019s what successful relationships are \u2014 fun and beautiful, but also an exercise in finding balance. They are a fine dance between celebrating togetherness while preserving your individuality; compromising while having some unshakeable boundaries; loving your partner but also loving yourself.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n For a better understanding of what that healthy balance looks like, we spoke to counseling psychologist Shivangi Anil<\/a> (Master\u2019s in Clinical Psychology), who specializes in premarital, compatibility, and boundary counseling. She talked to us about the importance of recognizing your boundaries, what these boundaries may look like, and tips on creating this list of non-negotiables in a relationship. Let us take it one by one.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Imagine this: A few months into a new relationship, you decide to move in together<\/a>. You are excited. You trust this person. Then, one fine morning, you wake up to the sound of a loud but stifled hum. You walk down the stairs and find your partner sitting on the floor in a circle with ten other people, in what you imagine is a cult but may have been a morning mantra chanting session. No can do, sir! \u2013 <\/em>you think to yourself. It\u2019s in that instance, you realize one of your <\/em>non-negotiables. \u201cMust. Not. Be. Religious\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n And that\u2019s it! That\u2019s what non-negotiables are. Shivangi says, \u201cA non-negotiable is a line between something acceptable or not acceptable in a relationship; non-negotiables are unique to every relationship and are influenced by personal circumstances and societal norms.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n So, once you have figured out your deal-breakers, are you set for life? Umm. No. \u201cAs you grow, these relationship boundaries<\/a> do too. They change with time,\u201d says Shivangi. Your list of non-negotiables is as dynamic as you are. Similarly, your list may also change as the relationship progresses. What may be non-negotiable to you today in your relationship, you may be more flexible about tomorrow as you begin to trust your partner more. And that\u2019s okay!<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cIt is crucial to have non-negotiable boundaries in a serious relationship because they are the line between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. Boundaries are integral in a healthy relationship because they provide stability. They are what make the relationship sustainable,\u201d says Shivangi. How exactly? She helped us with a few examples and laid down the following ways having non-negotiables in relationships can help you.\u00a0<\/p>\n Overall, non-negotiables allow for both you and your partner respect, safety, and an amenable space for growth.<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> The True List Of 19 Things Women Want In A Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/p>\n Some of the non-negotiable things in a relationship will always be unique to you. You will find them as you go along falling in love, forming bonds, falling on your face, and understanding yourself better. While many other non-negotiables are common between most couples, sort of like the cornerstones of a healthy relationship \u2014 a list of qualities of a conscious relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n So, what are some examples of non-negotiables in a relationship? Here is a list. Feel free to discard whatever doesn\u2019t align with you or seems like something you don\u2019t mind compromising over, and take what you can. We hope this list will help you figure out your deal-breakers and protect yourself from disappointments and trampled boundaries.<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n If you asked me, what do you look for in a relationship, my number one answer would be respect. If you find yourself in a relationship where you\u2019re at the receiving end of your partner\u2019s anger, your opinions are constantly disregarded, your feelings dismissed, and your boundaries violated, how long do you think the relationship would last? If it does, it is not going to be a happy relationship for sure.\u00a0<\/p>\n You cannot foster a healthy relationship if there is a lack of respect<\/a> for the person your partner is, their likes, and their life choices. Some, like myself, would even go on to say that respect for your partner is more important than love for them. Liking them for who they are, valuing their presence in your life, and feeling grateful to call them your own is what love is, isn\u2019t it? That is what respect means and it should be the bare minimum you need in your relationship.\u00a0<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> Does My Husband Respect Me Quiz\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/span><\/p>\n The strongest bonds can crumble under the weight of uncertainty and doubt. You want your partner to be a pillar of strength. Someone you can rely on with closed eyes. You don\u2019t want to be worrying about whether they will keep their promise, whether they have your back, whether they will not hurt you. That is why, trust is an absolute must-have in any relationship, and understanding the components of trust<\/a> can help a couple go a long way.<\/p>\n One interesting thing to note here is that all of these points, especially the foundational non-negotiables, work in tandem with each other. Chances are if you miss 2-3 in your relationship, you actually might be missing out on much more. For example, if you found that your partner lied to you, you would not just feel hurt, you would feel disrespected. Or if you respect your partner, you wouldn\u2019t want to lie to them. You would trust them to understand what you are going through.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you asked us about 3 non-negotiables in a relationship, they would be \u2013 respect, trust, and safety. It is a person\u2019s primary right to feel safe, secure, and free from harm whether it is physical, emotional, or psychological. Both partners should be protective of each other\u2019s well-being. Make sure that your relationship is free from the following:<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> 8 Signs You Are Losing Yourself In A Relationship And 5 Steps To Find Yourself Again<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Nothing would ever work in any relationship, not just a romantic relationship, if people didn\u2019t communicate things. In fact, in the case of relationships that have a lot riding on them working out, we devise elaborate plans to ascertain effective communication. Think of the professional space. Such methodical routines to communicate things \u2014 regular meetings, issuing of memos, a fixed well-thought-out language, \u201cofficial communication\u201d from the boss. Only if we paid this kind of attention to our romantic partnerships!\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n But it\u2019s never too late. If you find yourself struggling on any one of the following fronts, take active steps to fix it:<\/p>\n <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n Honesty is an absolute must for sustaining a relationship. Trust is built through a regular display of honest behavior. Lost trust is rebuilt through a relentless, often difficult display of honesty. In fact, one wouldn\u2019t feel safe in a relationship if one couldn\u2019t rest assured that their partner will not lie to them or cheat them.\u00a0<\/p>\n This is a good space to bring up the question of infidelity, especially emotional infidelity. Do you know, in a survey<\/a> of 1,600 British adults, 44% said that forming an emotional relationship with someone else also constituted cheating? That is how much people want to be on the same page as their partners. Ethically non-monogamous relationships<\/a> work beautifully on this very principle. \u201cIf I was in the know, if I didn\u2019t feel cheated or lied to, if he was just honest, I would not feel stupid,\u201d my friend who broke up with a cheating partner once told me, \u201cI might have even been okay with it.\u201d<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n You cannot become one with your partner by losing yourself. That is not what \u201ctwo bodies, one soul\u201d refers to. Some people around you may make you feel that it is selfish to think about your needs, your likes, your personal space<\/a>, and your time. But, having the space to nurture your personality, allows you to bring your best to the relationship, positively affecting your relationship.\u00a0<\/p>\n You especially need this kind of non-negotiable in marriage where your boundaries can easily be infringed upon. Shivangi too says, \u201cYou must have boundaries about who gets access to your personal zone, how you like your physical space, or the everyday choices you make.\u201d Here are some examples:<\/p>\n <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n Your relationship has to be a relationship of equals for most of these things to work. If your partner\u2019s needs happen to be more important than yours, how do you expect to focus on your personal growth? If you\u2019re forever picking up behind your partner, instead of on yourself, where would you find the me-time?\u00a0<\/p>\n The same with your opinions and your choices. Consider this a non-negotiable in marriage \u2014 \u201cWe will share equal responsibility, we will have equal say.\u201d\u00a0 After all, feeling valued in a relationship should be a bare minimum standard.\u00a0A partnership that focusses on fostering equality<\/a> is a strong partnership in the long run.<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n Boundaries around physical touch, physical intimacy<\/a>, and sex are crucial. Shivangi says, \u201cNon-negotiables around touch are about where, when, and how you choose to be touched by your partner. Similarly, sexual boundaries are about when, where, and what kind of sexual activities you are consenting to. A sexual non-negotiable could be insisting on the use of protection or refusing anal sex.\u201d<\/p>\n Think of this long and hard as one of your non-negotiables in dating. How do you like being touched? And where? Are you okay with physical affection in public? Practice consent around sexual intimacy, inside and outside the bedroom. It is non-negotiable. Period.<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> What Happens When Neither Of You Asks For Consent?<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/span><\/p>\n We are all fighting individual battles, no matter how many people we may be surrounded with. In one way or the other we end up looking for emotional support from our partners. In moments when we are tired of our struggles, we expect them to understand, to lend an ear, to help when help is needed, to offer a shoulder to cry on, to cheer us up, to share the load, to offer advice when advice is needed, etc. These are some basic expectations.\u00a0<\/p>\n It is okay to prioritize what you need from your partner in distressing times. Think about what the words \u201cemotional support\u201d mean to you, and make sure that you are getting it in your relationship.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n Yes, opposites attract. But you need commonalities on foundational values. Values are what an individual considers important and meaningful in life. They serve as a moral compass and help guide your decisions. This is why your core values need to align<\/a>. In a good relationship, couples connect over these values, so that they can make compromises on the small issues.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n For example, if your and your partner\u2019s definition of cheating is the same, you wouldn\u2019t be left with scope for misunderstandings. On the other hand, if you both feel differently about questions like, \u201cIs it okay to lie to spare someone their feelings?\u201d, one of you might end up hurting the other.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> <\/a>Living Apart Together: Decoding The Latest Trend Said To Save Relationships<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n <\/span><\/p>\n This brings us to the next point. Beliefs! Beliefs are thoughts, ideas, and convictions we hold dear. They are formed by our personal experiences, cultural background, upbringing, etc. These could be political, religious, or moral beliefs. Beliefs are influenced by values, and therefore, like values, if your beliefs differ too much from your partner\u2019s, they can become a source of friction throughout your life.\u00a0<\/p>\n This can be a pretty strong non-negotiable in a relationship. For example, \u201cNo matter what happens, I cannot be with a gun owner.\u201d You could think of your boundaries surrounding beliefs, and what you can or cannot compromise with. Shivangi says, \u201cYou may not have the same religious beliefs as your partner, but you can be okay with different spiritual beliefs around you, without being forced to follow them. Or it\u2019s okay if this is too much for you.\u201d The thing with boundaries is, you decide what\u2019s your relationship deal-breaker<\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n You don\u2019t have to be \u201cgoal-oriented\u201d, as they say, to think about goals. Goals don\u2019t have to be about success, a house, a car, or a job. What comes to your mind when you think of your long-term goals? I think of things like:<\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n It is answers to questions like these that can be your deal-breakers. Although, I feel, that the answers to these can change over time. Our long-term relationship goals<\/a> and life goals change, or we become more flexible with them. If everything else is working out well with your partner, it is not a great idea to go separate ways just because you want to retire in a city while your partner wants to go back to their childhood farm. You don\u2019t know how either of you will feel a few years from now, let alone your retirement years.<\/p>\n Related Reading: <\/strong>15 Examples Of SMART Goals For Relationships And How To Set Them<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n With coupledom comes the inevitable merging of the finances. Now, there is a huge difference between saying, \u201cMy money is your money\u201d, and actually seeing your savings being spent on something that doesn\u2019t agree with you. Misaligned financial values and the money trauma arising from it can be a deeply unsettling issue. All of us need to feel comfortable with the way our money is spent.\u00a0<\/p>\n When it comes to finding financial stability, what are some examples of non-negotiables in a relationship? Shivangi says, \u201cIt is about how people manage their money and whom they choose to share it with.\u201d For the sake of clarity, let\u2019s look at some examples of financial boundaries. These examples may help a couple avoid financial conflict in marriage.<\/a><\/p>\n I rewrote \u201cshould support\u201d to \u201cmust support\u201d. And that\u2019s what a non-negotiable is. A step up from \u201cshould\u201d to \u201cmust\u201d. Your ideas around what this support looks like can change, but there is no beating around the bush with this one. Partners in a relationship must look beyond their interests and help each other shine to their full potential. Here are some ways partners can do that:<\/p>\n Related Reading:<\/strong> How To Use Words Of Affirmation As A Love Language?<\/a><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n A long-term relationship works when two people commit to making each other their priority. This demonstrates your love, respect, and commitment to the relationship. You build a strong emotional bond with them, making dealing with the ups and downs of the relationship much easier. For example, if you are in a marriage where your partner is particularly close to their family, this might not resonate with you. For you, leave and cleave boundaries<\/a> can be an important non-negotiable.<\/p>\nWhat Are Relationship Non-Negotiables?<\/h2>\n
Why are relationship non-negotiables so important?<\/h2>\n
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17 Non-Negotiables In Relationships You Must Never Compromise On<\/h2>\n
1. There has to be mutual respect<\/h3>\n
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2.\u00a0 You would be lost without trust<\/h3>\n
3. You must feel safe in your relationship\u00a0<\/h3>\n
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4. There should be a habit of communication\u00a0<\/h3>\n
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5. Honesty! Honesty! Honesty!<\/h3>\n
6.\u00a0 You need personal boundaries<\/h3>\n
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7. Being in a relationship of equals is your right<\/h3>\n
8. Decide how you like to be touched<\/h3>\n
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9. Emotional support \u2013 An inherent need in intimate relationships<\/h3>\n
10. Having matching values is an important quality<\/h3>\n
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11. Equally important are matching beliefs<\/h3>\n
12. Sharing common long-term goals can make life easier<\/h3>\n
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13. How you spend your money can be an important non-negotiable<\/h3>\n
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14. Partners must support each other\u2019s growth<\/h3>\n
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15. Becoming each other\u2019s priority is important<\/h3>\n