{"id":2427,"date":"2023-06-23T08:34:45","date_gmt":"2023-06-23T03:04:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/perthescortsdirectory.com.au\/blog\/the-key-to-our-relationships-compassion\/"},"modified":"2023-06-23T08:34:45","modified_gmt":"2023-06-23T03:04:45","slug":"the-key-to-our-relationships-compassion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/perthescortsdirectory.com.au\/blog\/the-key-to-our-relationships-compassion\/","title":{"rendered":"The Key to Our Relationships? Compassion"},"content":{"rendered":"

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\"Taylor<\/div>\n

Source: Taylor Hernandez\/Unsplash<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

Working virtually sometimes gives us a real-time view into people\u2019s lives that could never show up in an office.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSorry, Josh!\u201d I heard Leslie say as she logged on to her computer. All I could see was her waist and a kind of movement that let me know she was looking for a place to put her laptop.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSadie just threw up, literally, <\/em>as we were about to log on.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe cat?\u201d I asked.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYup!\u201d vented Leslie. \u201cAnd the smell makes me want to puke, so Rob\u2019s in the other room figuring it out. Bet you\u2019ve never had a couples session start like this,\u201d she said with a roll of her eyes.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

After a few minutes, Rob joined, slightly out of breath and trying to shake off \u201cgo mode.\u201d <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re good,\u201d stated Rob. \u201cWe got lucky, it was actually on the throw rug, so cleaned that off and brought it outside to air out, sprayed the back room so it doesn\u2019t smell like cat vomit, and then checked on Sadie. Closed her in the room so we don\u2019t get interrupted and gave her some water, she seems fine.\u201d <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBabe, what are you doing?\u201d asked Leslie. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

While Rob had filled us all in on his triaging, he had also simultaneously picked up their computer and put it down in another spot.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe can do the session from here,\u201d Rob said. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve explained this to you like 10 times, Rob\u2014I don\u2019t like sitting there when we talk to Josh! There\u2019s too much sun coming through that window, I can\u2019t see well, and anybody walking by can see us. I don\u2019t want people staring at us during couple\u2019s therapy<\/a>.\u201d Rob, with the silence of a mime, walked the computer back over to its original spot. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t underst\u2013\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEnough! I didn\u2019t do anything wrong, and you don\u2019t get to speak to me like that\u2014we\u2019ve also talked about that<\/em> 10 times!\u201d Silence. Rob stared off into the direction of the throw rug, and Leslie sat next to him looking the other way, her eyes wet with new tears. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Leslie?\u201d I said. \u201cYou were right. Never had a couples session start quite like this before.\u201d <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

In the brilliant words of Anais Nin, \u201cWe don\u2019t see things as they are, we see things as we are.\u201d If there is one line that could sum up the downfall of most relationships, this is it. Whether it\u2019s Terrence Real\u2019s adaptive child, Jim Dethmer\u2019s \u201cbelow the line,\u201d or Sue Johnson\u2019s \u201cdance that we do,\u201d there\u2019s a reason why so many spend so much time trying to articulate the part of us that cannot take in an experience other than our own; because our inability to do so is the source of so much relational pain. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Rob and Leslie were not bad apples. They were two kind and warm people who often saw one another through their own pain-colored glasses. Once we become emotionally invested in someone, we are vulnerable to hurt. Once we are vulnerable, we are looking for our very specific brand of hurt that we know will cause us the most pain. Anything we look for, we will eventually find. The bad news is almost all of us do this. The good news is there\u2019s a way out. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJosh, we can\u2019t keep doing this,\u201d said Leslie, allowing her tears to fall instead of wiping them away. \u201cAnd you know us, we need a \u2018to do,\u2019 what\u2019s the \u2018to do’ here?!\u201d Rob rejoined, his gaze now on Leslie.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHere\u2019s the \u2018to do,\u2019 guys. The only thing is someone might puke again. Compassion.\u201d<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

You don\u2019t have to look very far for compassion <\/em>to be recommended within couples therapy. But offering up compassion to a couple is like recommending happiness<\/a> for life advice. Sounds good, but how, exactly? The difficulty comes from the fact that compassion, like happiness, is much more the result of something than a thing to do itself. So, if Anais Nin is giving us the source of so much of our pain, reverse engineering her quote can give us a cure. Here\u2019s our new definition of compassion: seeing things as they truly are. That\u2019s it. If we can do that, almost every time, compassion will be a natural offshoot.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRob, question for you: Why did you move the computer?\u201d Rob took a deep breath, almost looking ashamed.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe smell.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m hooked now,\u201d I said to Rob. \u201cThe smell?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, I know how sensitive Leslie is to smell. The whole time I was cleaning up I was thinking, when I get back in there, where we normally sit is too close to the puke smell, so I need to move the computer so Leslie isn\u2019t distracted or grossed out by the smell.\u201d <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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Relationships Essential Reads<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cBut when he yells like that, Josh\u2013\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt sounds like yelling,\u201d I said to Leslie. \u201cBut it\u2019s actually more like loud begging.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBegging for what?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTo not lose you,\u201d I said. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Rob grew up with a verbally abusive and alcoholic<\/a> mother, who had kicked out his father for much of the same reasons. Every night Rob\u2019s mom would get drunk, and every night Rob\u2019s mom would rage<\/a> at him, blaming him for the brokenness they found themselves in. If you had only done this! If you would only stop that! <\/em>She would scream. That little boy internalized perfection as the only possible solve, believing if he could get everything just right maybe the chaos would stop, Mom would stop blaming him for all that was so painful, and maybe even Mom and Dad would get back together. To that little boy, getting everything just right was how he was going to survive. Getting anything <\/em>wrong meant it was all over, in the most unfair way.<\/p>\n

Leslie takes this in, noticing the tears that seem to have transferred from her eyes to Rob’s. After a breath, she looks at me.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt makes me so mad to think about what Rob had to deal with growing up,\u201d she says.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTell me why,\u201d I ask.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s just so unfair. For a little boy to think he has to be perfect every time, and then never be able to achieve it. It makes me so sad for him.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I touch my nose and then point at Leslie. \u201cAll you\u2019re doing right now, Leslie, is seeing things as they truly are, that\u2019s it. When you\u2019re able to do it, it\u2019s actually a gift.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Mike Tyson (yes, that<\/em> Mike Tyson) said, \u201cYou think you\u2019re great now, wait till you learn compassion.\u201d He\u2019s right. Because compassion is a contact sport. It\u2019s not pity, or soft, or weak. It\u2019s someone strong enough to look past their own pain and into the pain of another. It\u2019s not easy. But neither is a life where we constantly mistake someone else\u2019s pain for our own. And seeing things as they truly are can be our way out.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

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[ad_1] Source: Taylor Hernandez\/Unsplash Working virtually sometimes gives us a real-time view into people\u2019s lives that could never show up in an office. \u201cSorry, Josh!\u201d I heard Leslie say as she logged on to her computer. All I could see was her waist and a kind of movement that let me know she was looking […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2428,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[103],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2427","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sex-toys"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Key to Our Relationships? 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